Regrets
by Quaggy
Summary: When the one you love is in love with someone else...


Title: Regrets  
Rating: PG-13  
Originally published: June 8, 2006

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You don't know what's wrong with you sometimes.

The man in your bed is probably the best thing that ever happened to you, but that doesn't stop you from pushing him away. He doesn't understand your world, but that doesn't really matter since he is immersed in his own. You'll come in at two in the morning sometimes and he'll still be up, oblivious to the hour and pleased to find you home. The fact that he doesn't get upset disappoints you. He's no fool. He'll move on soon. Quietly, cheerfully. The way he does just about everything.

But instead of thinking about what you can do to salvage your relationship, you think about him… Your boss. The one man you shouldn't be thinking about like that at all. It's so hackneyed and trite. So futile. But you work so closely with him. You see his brilliance in ways that most people don't. If it weren't for this job you stumbled into, you never would have seen it. Things look very different from the inside.

He'd be shocked if he knew you were even thinking like this. He's with her now. And apparently quite happy. Why wouldn't he be? She's gorgeous and brilliant. She has the ear of the First Lady and the respect of the President. She's rapidly becoming a major player in Washington politics and a big name in the DNC. It's ridiculous that you feel threatened by her, but you do.

You'd never admit it to anyone, but it makes a certain amount of sense that she would be the one that turned his head. They go way back. Not that you and he didn't have a considerable history as well… but perhaps that's the problem. You sometimes wonder what would have happened if you hadn't done what you did, said what you said. You seemed to be on the verge of something…. But it shattered and you'll never be able to go back.

He doesn't know that anything is wrong. He thinks that you like her (you do) and are happy for them (you are.) You must admit that you put on a pretty convincing front. But inside, you seethe every time he says her name.

Then, one day during a legislative strategy meeting in Oval Office, you notice it. You know that he had a long lunch with her today. It's pathetic that you pay such close attention to his personal schedule. Especially if it involves her. Even though you tell yourself it's your job to know were he is at all times, you know it's a lie. It's as if a part of you was always waiting for something to happen.

But you never expected anything like this. A gold ring on his left hand that wasn't there that morning. The President has noticed the same thing because his face suddenly breaks out into a wide grin.

"Josh? Anything you want to share with the class?"

Josh looks at him, puzzled. Though you appreciate it was something of a non-sequitur, it doesn't stop you from wanting to grab him by the lapels and shake him silly. The President, however, is even more amused by his confusion.

"I never took you to be a jewelry wearer," the President smirks waving to indicate Josh's left hand. Josh, realizing what the two of you have noticed, tries to stifle a grin. He fails.

"I got it out of a Cracker Jacks box," he jokes.

"Really. And if I should go visit my wife, I wouldn't maybe see her Chief of Staff sporting a matching ring?"

"I wouldn't be surprised, sir. Donna likes Cracker Jacks," Josh counters and Matt Santos throws back his head in laughter. Ronna, who had been sitting quietly in the corner all this time, lets out an excited shriek and practically tackles Josh to the ground in a bear hug. In the face of these reactions, you feel that you should say something.

"Congratulations," you mange to croak out.

"Thanks, Amy," he replies, too happy to notice your discomfort. You watch as he disentangles himself from Ronna only to find himself being hugged by the President. All three of them are laughing like loons.

He's beyond your reach now. He has been for quite some time. Longer than you are prepared to dwell on. You probably should have realized the truth the night of Leo's wake, when you, in an arrogant attempt to prove how far beyond him you had moved, kept on about a woman you knew he'd never call, too self-satisfied to notice how in synch they were. Like they no longer cared that people thought they were a longtime couple. Because they were… and still are. They have everything you were never sure you wanted, but your eyes are painted green anyway.

You don't know what's wrong with you sometimes.


End file.
